It is a well-known fact that words can hurt or words can help. We all have a moment in each day where we need to choose our words carefully. This is especially true with fragile, new parents who are at the end of their rope as they cope with an infant who they feel is challenging. And, as the incidence of postpartum depression and anxiety is rising, a conversation with a new parent may be of great importance.
 
As lead home visitor with Fussy Baby Network Colorado, (fussybabynetworkcolorado.org), I have worked with hundreds of families that live with a baby that is difficult to soothe, feed or help sleep.  Quickly, tears can come to the new mom when I ask the question, “What has it been like for YOU to care for this baby?”
 
Asking the parent about their personal experience can be hugely helpful in this world of instant advice and information. Here are other suggestions on how to use your words wisely when speaking with new parents.
 

• Say NOTHING, simply be present during a difficult time.

 

• Acknowledge and affirm how challenging (and always exhausting) it can be to parent an infant. Validate, validate, validate.

 

• Offer advice or share your own experiences ONLY when invited and say it in one simple sentence.

 

• In a calm, caring way, ask if the parent is feeling depressed or anxious.

 

• Use words that help the parent feel like the expert in the care of their own child.

 
Believe me when I say, the right words and sensitive responses to a new parent can be a lot more helpful than a casserole. Please, watch your mouth and support a brand, new relationship.

As of April 1st, 2019, Nurturing Newborns and Families, LLC is offering respite care to 26 families, all with infants and children who have special needs. I’ve looked at this number four times as I try and let this fact sink in to my brain. This blog post is dedicated to the people who have the courage, empathy and heart that leads them to care for these 26 families.

My employees are a unique group with varied skills.  While we are not medical providers, we do care for children with feeding tubes and oxygen. While we are not mental health professionals, we do speak honestly and directly with parents about their mental health. While we are not housekeepers, we do laundry, wash dishes and vacuum. While we are not nannies, we do rock and sing to babies, change diapers and feed and play with children. While we are not physical therapists, we observe physical therapists with our families, and then do the PT with children. Being a respite care provider at Nurturing Newborns is not an easy job.

My staff sees some very difficult things. Most of the families we work with are coping with loss, fatigue, financial difficulties and strained relationships. At our monthly staff meetings, I encourage my employees to talk about these hard situations.  I love how my staff encourages each other and learns from each other. They are an amazing group of women.

I recently read that a perfect employee is one who inspires his boss as much as his boss inspires him. Shout out to my employees. You are my inspiration.

Let’s take a break, a breather, a moment for ourselves. As a parent, this isn’t so easy. And for the parent of a special needs baby, the thought of taking a moment for themselves can bring on feelings of guilt, fear and panic.

Every day I have the privilege to see in to the lives of families that are making huge sacrifices to care for their special children. It is heart-warming and inspiring to watch. But what happens when the parents need care? How can these special parents continue to nurture and care for their special children when they have not been nurtured themselves?

Imagine being young, alone, unable to work, without a positive support system and giving birth to premature twins who have special needs. Imagine adding homelessness to this complicated situation. Imagine the dreams and hopes you have for your children and for your new little family.

Being the parent of a special needs “little” means sacrifice, unbelievable stress and worry. These parents need self-care and nurturing. They need something as simple as a solo trip to the grocery store or something more complicated as mental health support. And, most importantly, they need someone qualified and competent to care for their special child while they care for themselves.

Nurturing the entire family is our specialty. It isn’t easy and it isn’t for the faint of heart. But at Nurturing Newborns and Families, LLC we embrace this challenge and we embrace these parents and children. It is our privilege.

As I write this, I am in the middle of updating my Nurturing Newborns website. (With the help of my very patient sister and daughter) This update has been needed for quite some time. Some of my excuses for not taking on this task included:  playing with my grandchildren, cleaning the garage, calling to cancel our newspaper, sorting Christmas decorations, playing with my grandchildren, buying new toss pillows, ironing tablecloths, and playing with my grandchildren.  Only one of those excuses is actually excusable. Well, ta-da, here it is. My improved, informative and up to date website is available for your reading and learning pleasure.

This process of changing my website has been cathartic for me. I have taken the time to reflect on this little business I created in 2007. Yes, ten years ago, I had this idea. I thought; what if everyone caring for an infant had a beloved friend, sister, aunt, mother or father that quietly, efficiently and lovingly nurtured both parent and baby? How would this support help protect and encourage the parent-child relationship? How much more crucial would this support be for families with fragile infants or families in crisis? How can this support be funded for families in need?

In January of 2007, I had an idea. I had a vision. To all of my families who believed in this vision and allowed me into their messy, loud and crazy lives, I say, thank you. To my husband, who supported this vision, I say, thank you.  To my employees, who took on the many challenges this vision required, I say, thank you.  Ten years of doing exactly what I want to do has been pretty great.
 

When I am asked about my work, I have sometimes struggled to find the words. I recently decided to start by saying I have the best job in the world, working with the best people in the world, and experiencing the best clients in the world. My job moves me to tears, laughter, anxiety, relief and then tears again. I have lots of stories to tell, and if you are short on time, you probably don't want to ask me about my job. (My family says I'm a talker)

Just in case you were wondering, here are a few things we have been working on at Nurturing Newborns, LLC:

• Working with a mom to help her 8 week old baby sleep better so that she has more time to care for her disabled 2 year old
  
• Wrapping our loving arms around a 2 year old and 4 year old while their mother battles cancer
• Holding the hand of a young mom who has just discovered her newborn twins are facing a serious illness
• Crying with a father who is overwhelmed by responsibilities in a time of crisis
• Helping with transportation to school for children whose mother is on bed rest and grieving the recent loss of her husband
• Always, ALWAYS empowering parents in their role

Nurturing Newborns wants to thank our families for allowing us to see them when they are most vulnerable and raw.  We are grateful to the social workers and other providers that work so diligently to find help for families in crisis. I would also like to thank the following foundations for supporting these vulnerable families and helping Nurturing Newborns with funding to do this work.

Rocky Mountain Children's Health Foundation
rmchildren.org

The Limb Preservation Foundation
limbpreservation.org

There With Care
therewithcare.org

Friends of Man
www.friendsofman.org

Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers
www.rockymountaincancercenters.com

At Nurturing Newborns we choose to be with families in crisis. The crisis may be big or small and our time with the family is always shorter than we wish it to be. But one thing we all agree on, this is the best job ever!  

This foot with the pediatric wrap is a perfect example of where a lack of patience will take you. Because I was impatient and careless in the care of my foot following surgery, my recovery is taking twice as long as it should. While I encourage parents every day to be patient with their little ones, apparently I have not been following my own advice. My little toes are paying the price.

At first, new parents seem to welcome eating breakfast at 2 p.m., doing laundry at 2 a.m., and wearing pajama pants to dress up for visitors. When that baby is about 3 weeks old, I start getting calls from moms and dads who are hoping to take a shower every day at the same time, would like to know when they can plan to go to Target or, most commonly, when baby will start sleeping at the same time each day. Hang on folks, the unpredictable ride is just beginning.

Patience is a necessary survival tool for parents. I have been gritting my teeth for 28 years now. I patiently waited for babies to stop throwing up on my church clothes. I calmly stood by during many a toddler tantrum. I accepted the phase where my preschooler only ate chicken nuggets. (This lasted YEARS. It took a lot out of me.) I didn't make assumptions when my 2nd grader chewed on the collar of all his shirts. Don't even get me started on the patience it took to survive the preteen and teen years. 

Children grow and change quickly. Infants are especially unpredictable and confusing. Phases come and go. Just when you think you have things figured out, your child reminds you of their uniqueness. Parenting is the best and bumpiest roller coaster I've ever experienced.

Happy Parenting!
Susan


 

This adorable baby girl was just 4 months old when I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Her older brothers were 5, 3 and 23 months. As I faced emergency surgery, Dad and I were scrambling to find help in our home with the children as well as coping with the cancer diagnosis and treatment. My husband was working long hours at the time, we had never used day care, and we had no immediate family in town. This story ended very well. We were blessed to have family come to help from out of state, a multitude of friends and neighbors stepped up, and the cancer was contained and treated by the surgery. We are forever grateful for the support.

Nurturing Newborns, LLC has had the opportunity to do respite care for families in this type of crisis. Our short term service provides help in the homes of families who are going through difficult times. We have supported moms with postpartum depression, moms struggling with serious illness such as a stroke, cancer or surgical procedures, and families coping with fragile preemies and multiples. We change bedding, make dinner, rearrange furniture to allow children to play close to mom recovering on the couch, and care for the struggling family as if it were our own. We are a calm, reassuring presence when parents and children need it the most. My staff and I feel blessed to be able to do this work.

Our first experience with respite care came for a 26 year old mother of 2 toddlers who was fighting breast cancer. The thought of being separated from her children during her illness was much scarier to her than the cancer itself. At Nurturing Newborns, we strongly believe parents need to "parent" in times of crisis. And, as this young mom so beautifully said, my children ARE my medicine.

Happy Parenting,
Susan

The Macmillan dictionary defines isolation as the state of being separated from others, or a situation where you do not have the support of other people. 
Let's remember the days before the chicken pox vaccinations. It was the end of January in 1991 when first one, then another, then two more of my children came down with this miserable childhood disease. Chicken pox has a two week incubation period. You do the math. I was separated from others for what seemed like an eternity, and most intelligent people wouldn't even drive by our house. We had to enter the pediatrician's office by the back door. Okay, this is an extreme case of isolation, but you get the idea.
Many new parents seem to think they should sequester themselves and figure out this parenting thing on their own. There is also the fear of having to care for your new baby in front of other people. A baby meltdown in public, a biting baby (this happened to me), or simply bottle feeding a baby when out and about worries parents that they will be judged in some way. I know a mom who didn't feel comfortable at a mommy support group because all the other babies were wearing cloth diapers and she and her husband use disposables! Find a different group. This one is neither supportive or confidence building.
I'm not suggesting that leaving the house with a new baby will solve all your problems. And for those depressed moms, leaving the house can be monumentally difficult. I am encouraging new moms (and dads) to seek the support of positive people, put on your best pair of stretchy pants, add some chap stick and get out there, even if it's just the Starbucks drive through.
When my second was born, I found myself home with a nosy 17 month old and a very fussy newborn. I was lonely, tired and overwhelmed. That's when I found her. That one friend who understood what it was like to survive on jello and peanut butter, who understood what exhaustion really was, who didn't expect me to be a perfect parent, and who was happy to sit on my couch and just watch our kids make a mess. It wasn't a fancy outing, and we wore the same mom jeans and Reebok tennis shoes every day, but we now look back on that time with wonder and longing. 

Happy Parenting,
Susan

My oldest son, pictured here at his graduation for his Masters degree, is the most curious person I know. As you can see, he has successfully survived his curious life, hence the title of my blog.
While his curiosity hasn't killed the cat (him), it has come close to killing the cat's mother (me). Jumping from precarious heights, wondering how close he could get to his sisters head with a rock, moving out of the country alone with no plan for lodging, are all things that made his mommy cringe.
Newborns can only see 8 to 15 inches. In 5 short months, they can be sitting up on their own and rolling to get where they want to be. In the next 7 months (and for the rest of their lives), they explore and discover the world beyond their reach. It is a wild ride for them and can be exciting and yet terrifying for parents to watch. Just like that the days of baby being happy to be on your lap are gone. Instead, baby prefers to cross the great divide of your family room to chew on an electrical cord or play with a stray crumb on the floor. Heavy sigh.
The big cat pictured here loved to get dirty. It was a hard thing for me at first, he looked so adorable in his clean clothes. However, his Dad gently reminded me, how can he learn about dirt without getting dirty? 

Happy Parenting,
Susan

I know, the title of this blog seems depressing as we begin a brand new year. Hang with me here, I have some important things to say.
When I started Nurturing Newborns, LLC, I was naive about many things. Operating a small business, the cost of marketing, the connection I would feel with my clients, and the joy I feel as I watch parents and babies bond to name a few. I was most naive about the depression and anxiety that some moms and even some dads feel following the birth of their baby. 
Postpartum depression (PPD) is a debilitating mental illness and can affect 9-16% of new moms. Women who have a history of depression are more prone to PPD. The combination of therapy and medication seems to be most effective in the treatment of PPD. It is crucial that parents are screened for this illness at the first sign of a disturbance in mood.
In my work with families of fussy, sleep deprived babies and parents, I see my fair share of depressed parents, mostly moms. While I have no New Year's Resolutions, I am determined to learn more about this illness in 2014 and my goal is to support these families that struggle to enjoy their new baby while battling a mental illness.
If you know someone with a new baby, don't hesitate to talk about the risk of PPD. Parents, support each other and don't be afraid or ashamed to reach out for help, PPD can get worse if not treated. And remember, there is hope for those in the darkness of postpartum depression.

Happy Parenting,
Susan